What are you Pondering?

Prickles of the Crown

I had almost forgotten what day was coming up until I heard the chatter amongst my crewmembers. No matter where I was, whether I was working or on break, someone was either talking about going on a date or spending time with their friends. As for myself, well, I haven’t really thought about it until now.

Of course, there was a man on my mind, but that was impossible! McCoy was not only my doctor, but my superior. Sure, it’s one thing if I were the one to confess my feelings first, but who gave me the right or the permission? It was completely inappropriate. Plus, there was a very high chance that he wouldn’t feel the same and I would end up looking like an idiot. 

Besides, I preferred if this was only a crush. The last thing I needed was to drag someone down with my problems, let alone care for me.

But soon, my shift was over and the gears in my head had begun to stutter at their next churn. It needed oil, or rather, I needed coffee. My lack of sleep was starting to catch up to me.

I found myself in the lounge closest from my stationed lab, and there, I was able to shut my brain off, but only for a little bit. As I was stirring the sugar and creamer, I noticed a trio of women enter inside.  I flashed a small smile to which I was greeted with the same in return. They sat down and went on with their conversation as I stood by the counter, continuing to let my mind wander.

“I’m so glad I finally finished those antibodies this morning. I was getting so sick of taking those giant pills-I almost had to crush them up on certain days.”

“You’re telling me. You looked like hell, too, with that swelling in your face,” her friend responded with a playful yet reassuring tone. She then pats her hand, leaning in with a whisper, “Who prescribed them to you?”

“What? Oh, Doctor McCoy. Why do you ask?”

Her friend started to grin as she glanced at their third then back to her, “Well, how was he? Did he seem.. more cheerful than usual?”

“I’m.. not sure. What do you mean?”

At this point, I was pretending not to listen.. but naturally with the topic being McCoy, I felt myself grow ever so curious. I took a small sip as I continued to eavesdrop.

“Well, there’s been talk amongst the crew that he might be seeing someone. I mean, he’s normally so grumpy, you know?”

I felt my heart fall into my stomach.

‘Was this true? 

No, it couldn’t have been. 

These were just rumors.. right?’

Her friend now started to ramble, “I wonder who the lucky lady is. What I wouldn’t do to pick apart his brain..”

“Well, that's just because you're a psychologist Melissa..”

The trio’s conversation continued but I couldn’t hear a thing as my ears began to ring. A buzzing started to form in my ears, growing louder on itself like an echochamper. My stomach began to quease on itself as my breathing became stagnant.

“Hey.. are you okay-?”

“I'm fine.”

“Are you sure? We can take you to Medbay if-”

That was the last thing I needed to hear. Last person I needed or wanted to see was Doctor McCoy and his stupid fucking face.

“I said I'm fine!” I gruffed before storming out of the lounge, my head now spinning on itself like a fiddle.

Before I could even realize it, I had begun to spiral. The foundation of my mind had started to crumble as more and more thoughts and questions flooded my mind:

‘Was McCoy really talking with someone? 

Who were they? 

What did they have that I couldn’t offer? 

And if he was really seeing someone, why wouldn’t he have told me by now? 

I mean, something like that isn’t really that hard to bring up, was it? 

Even in a passing mention. Something, anything!

Did he know that I liked him? 

Was I really that obvious? 

God, I’m such an idiot. 

It makes total sense.. he has been a little distance recently. 

Did he hate me?

Well, he better, because I cannot bear to see or talk to him again, especially not after this.

What a joke..’

I must’ve blacked out because in a blip, I found myself by the Observation Deck, on the corridor floor. My face was soaked from the tears and my hands were shaky. I wanted to get up and out of here, go back to my quarters to hide away forever, but my legs wouldn’t let me. So I stayed slumped in my sorrow, gradually feeling my body grow numb.

While I didn’t hear his footsteps pass and stop, I heard his voice call out to me, “Miss Valentine?”

I looked up from my knees to find Doctor McCoy at the end of the hallway. The moment he fully saw my state, he dropped everything to rush over to me. He reached for his tricorder as he knelt down to me, but I tried my best to avoid his touch and help.

“No.. stop… I don’t need-”

“Shh, shhh.. hey.”

I slowly looked up at him to find his full attention on me. He wasn’t upset, or irritated, or anything. I could hardly read him at all for that matter. He looked to me then down to his tricorder, the tip of his thumb grazing the edge.

Finally, he spoke to me, “Let’s get you off this floor, hm? Come here.”

McCoy held out a hand and while my mind said no, everything else said otherwise. I took his hand along with his forearm, using him as a support to stand up. My legs wobbled but he steadied me with ease. Soft encouragements flowed from his lips as he guided me to the nearest seattle. 

“Sweetheart, what's the matter?”

I remained silent for a moment, thinking of what I should really say to him. 

‘Should I tell him the truth? 

No. Absolutely not. 

But he would know that I’m hiding something.’

So I spoke:

“My mind went haywire. Rather than being reasonable, I allowed my thoughts to completely take over. It felt like my skull was crushing in on itself. I was an idiot, Doctor, I know I was, and I’m sorry you had to see me like this.”

The older man furrowed his eyebrows for a moment then relaxed. It seemed like he was thinking to himself for a moment. Not a second later, however, he responded to me in a reassuring yet firm tone, “You don’t ever apologize for something like that, do you understand me?”

“I know, but-”

He waved his hand before placing it over mine, now fully turned on the seattle to face me, “No. Miss Valentine, you should never have to apologize for what happened because it wasn’t your fault. These things happen and that's okay. It just means now that you have a better clarity for when it happens again.”

“That’s the worst part-it will happen again, and sometimes it feels worse than dying.”

“Well.. once it does, know you don't have to face it alone. I’m here for you, no matter what.”

I could feel myself about to cry again, but this time, I didn’t. Instead, I wiped my face dry and met him with a smile. For a moment, we sat in a comfortable silence but after a minute or two, he gently placed his hands over my wrists. I glanced down then back up at him, “Doctor? What’s the matter?”

“It’s midnight.”

“Midnight? Oh, you mean..” I looked to the nearest clock then chucked softly, “Valentine’s Day.”

“That’s right.. you know, I’m not going to be very busy once I’m on my breaks later this afternoon. Would you like to accompany me? Just the two of us.”

“I’d like that.” 

What is takes to be a Romulan

So, i have some very exciting news in regards to cosplay.. thanks to eBay, i bought myself a Romulan emblem pin! Finally, i can be my true self >:D

Now, i want to gather inspiration from all the shows for how i want my outfit to look. of course in the future, i want to make myself a full scale costume from either The Original Series or The Next Generation but until then, the wear is going to lean more towards human. Maybe with a 70s to 80s inspiration? AT LEAST something with poofy sleeves or shoulder pads, because we CANNOT leave those out.. nor funky patterns... oh, this is going to be SO MUCH FUN!!!

I'm Like a Lawyer With the Way I'm Always Trying to Get You Off (Me & You)

"Last year's wishes are this year's apologies
Every last time I come home
I take my last chance
To burn a bridge or two
I only keep myself this sick in the head
'Cause I know how the words get you (off)

We're the new face of failure
Prettier and younger, but not any better off
Bulletproof loneliness at best, at best

Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you
If I woke up next to you
Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you
If I woke up next to you

Collect the bad habits that you couldn't bear to keep
Out of the woods, but I love
A tree I used to lay beneath
Kid's teeth stained red
From a sour bottle, baby girl
With eyes the size of baby worlds

We're the new face of failure
Prettier and younger, but not any better off
Bulletproof loneliness at best, at best

Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you
If I woke up next to you
Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you
If I woke up next to you

Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you
If I woke up next to you
Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you
If I woke up next to you

The best way to make it through
With hearts and wrists in tact
Is to realize two out of three ain't bad, ain't bad

Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you
If I woke up next to you
Me and you, setting in a honeymoon (Honeymoon)
Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you
If I woke up next to you
Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you (Honeymoon)"

Fall Out Boy

Trapped Together

This mission was like any other. Help the ones who signaled us, assist them, collect the samples for the lab, and then we’ll be on our way. Easy peasy and all should go right as rain. Maybe I was a bit too hopeful. After I had finished collecting up samples for the labs, I started making my way back to camp. As my boots crunched against the icy snow, I felt the bone chilling wind brush up against my exposed face which caused me to scrunch my nose. There, and up the hill, camp was awaiting for me.. but something stopped me in my tracks. Snow. Falling snow. I gazed up as I pulled my coat hood down, hoping to get a better view. Almost instantly, though, the snowflakes started to cover my glasses. “Damn,” I muttered, taking them off to quickly clean them. “..Need help there?” Called out a familiar voice, and one that I knew all too well. Doctor McCoy chuckled as he approached me, making sure as to not startle me. He found himself beside me and I flashed him a sweet smile. “Yes, please.” I handed him my glasses and he gently took them, along with a rag stored away in a pocket. As he cleaned, we talked. "What do you think of the mission so far?" "It's alright-good, I mean. I'm just not a fan of the cold." "I don't blame you. It certainly beats the heat and humidity on other planets, though." "I reckon that's true. I wouldn't mind being at a beach somewhere.." McCoy smiled to the sound of that. Once he had cleaned up my glasses, he handed them back to me and I put them on. I sighed with relief as my vision readjusted to the prescription. I smiled up at him, "That's better. Thank you." "Anything for you, sweet girl." I looked at him with surprise. His eyes lit up with notice as he realized his action. He then begins to explain himself, "I didn't mean.. it just felt right in the moment." "No, its okay. I just.. didn't expect you to call me that yet on missions together. It feels good." Relief washed over him as a smile replaced his worry. McCoy then stepped closer, now in front of me, his hands finding mine as he brought his voice to a low yet tender whisper, "You look so beautiful with snow in your hair." "Oh yeah?” I could sense him going in for a kiss, but I didn’t want that just yet. With a chuckle, I pushed him back into the snow with myself on top of him. Snow trampled onto his hair and face, his mouth sputtering to get it off. “You little-” “Ah aah, watch what you say to me,” I teased as I reached for his wrists, putting them above his head. McCoy was flushed with color but wasn’t opposed to the position. He shifted his hips with his gaze settling on mine, “Yes ma’am.” The two of us giggled to ourselves before I helped pull him up. I fixed him up, cleaning off the snow as then the two of us went back to camp.. but as we did, we noticed that the snow started to pour down heavier now. “Maybe we should get back to our tents..” I started before my voice trailed off into a shiver. “C’mon, my tent’s just right here.” I looked to him, my eyebrows scrunching with uncertainty, “Are you.. sure? But, what about the others?..” He smiled before whispering in my ear, “Well, they’ll just have to get over it.” That reassurance was all I needed to hear to become convinced. Soon, the both of us were in his tent and as he tinkered with the oil lamp, I began taking off my layers. I set my coat on the cot before sitting down, and watched as he got the flame going. Once he got it lit, he got up from his crouch to sit down next to me. “That should do us right,” he said as he caressed my cheek. My skin tingled and I leaned into his touch, allowing my eyes to shut to savor the feeling. I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my body up against his, now together laying on the small cot. I hummed softly, “I wish we could stay like forever.” “Don’t worry,” he begins as a free hand found its way to my hair, “We’ll just enjoy this moment now, because I’m not going anywhere.”

One Year of Having this Blog..

Where do i even begin? i created this blog a little over a year ago (i believe on the 7th of January) to document my thoughts and to show off my projects. i do not regret one bit of it..

But anyways, what are my goals for this year?, you might be wondering..

Number one, and this has been on my mind ever since i've started this blog, and its to post more of my fanfictions regarding myself and McCoy. i NEEEED to share my work like its been absolutely itching and motivating me to get my long term fic finished. i also want to share more misc fics, one shot prompts essentially.

And number two, be more myself. Unapologetically, too. You all as the readers are never going to hear the end of it ;]

Christmas Post

Draft TROLOLOLOL!!!