Prickles of the Crown

I had almost forgotten what day was coming up until I heard the chatter amongst my crewmembers. No matter where I was, whether I was working or on break, someone was either talking about going on a date or spending time with their friends. As for myself, well, I haven’t really thought about it until now.

Of course, there was a man on my mind, but that was impossible! McCoy was not only my doctor, but my superior. Sure, it’s one thing if I were the one to confess my feelings first, but who gave me the right or the permission? It was completely inappropriate. Plus, there was a very high chance that he wouldn’t feel the same and I would end up looking like an idiot. 

Besides, I preferred if this was only a crush. The last thing I needed was to drag someone down with my problems, let alone care for me.

But soon, my shift was over and the gears in my head had begun to stutter at their next churn. It needed oil, or rather, I needed coffee. My lack of sleep was starting to catch up to me.

I found myself in the lounge closest from my stationed lab, and there, I was able to shut my brain off, but only for a little bit. As I was stirring the sugar and creamer, I noticed a trio of women enter inside.  I flashed a small smile to which I was greeted with the same in return. They sat down and went on with their conversation as I stood by the counter, continuing to let my mind wander.

“I’m so glad I finally finished those antibodies this morning. I was getting so sick of taking those giant pills-I almost had to crush them up on certain days.”

“You’re telling me. You looked like hell, too, with that swelling in your face,” her friend responded with a playful yet reassuring tone. She then pats her hand, leaning in with a whisper, “Who prescribed them to you?”

“What? Oh, Doctor McCoy. Why do you ask?”

Her friend started to grin as she glanced at their third then back to her, “Well, how was he? Did he seem.. more cheerful than usual?”

“I’m.. not sure. What do you mean?”

At this point, I was pretending not to listen.. but naturally with the topic being McCoy, I felt myself grow ever so curious. I took a small sip as I continued to eavesdrop.

“Well, there’s been talk amongst the crew that he might be seeing someone. I mean, he’s normally so grumpy, you know?”

I felt my heart fall into my stomach.

‘Was this true? 

No, it couldn’t have been. 

These were just rumors.. right?’

Her friend now started to ramble, “I wonder who the lucky lady is. What I wouldn’t do to pick apart his brain..”

“Well, that's just because you're a psychologist Melissa..”

The trio’s conversation continued but I couldn’t hear a thing as my ears began to ring. A buzzing started to form in my ears, growing louder on itself like an echochamper. My stomach began to quease on itself as my breathing became stagnant.

“Hey.. are you okay-?”

“I'm fine.”

“Are you sure? We can take you to Medbay if-”

That was the last thing I needed to hear. Last person I needed or wanted to see was Doctor McCoy and his stupid fucking face.

“I said I'm fine!” I gruffed before storming out of the lounge, my head now spinning on itself like a fiddle.

Before I could even realize it, I had begun to spiral. The foundation of my mind had started to crumble as more and more thoughts and questions flooded my mind:

‘Was McCoy really talking with someone? 

Who were they? 

What did they have that I couldn’t offer? 

And if he was really seeing someone, why wouldn’t he have told me by now? 

I mean, something like that isn’t really that hard to bring up, was it? 

Even in a passing mention. Something, anything!

Did he know that I liked him? 

Was I really that obvious? 

God, I’m such an idiot. 

It makes total sense.. he has been a little distance recently. 

Did he hate me?

Well, he better, because I cannot bear to see or talk to him again, especially not after this.

What a joke..’

I must’ve blacked out because in a blip, I found myself by the Observation Deck, on the corridor floor. My face was soaked from the tears and my hands were shaky. I wanted to get up and out of here, go back to my quarters to hide away forever, but my legs wouldn’t let me. So I stayed slumped in my sorrow, gradually feeling my body grow numb.

While I didn’t hear his footsteps pass and stop, I heard his voice call out to me, “Miss Valentine?”

I looked up from my knees to find Doctor McCoy at the end of the hallway. The moment he fully saw my state, he dropped everything to rush over to me. He reached for his tricorder as he knelt down to me, but I tried my best to avoid his touch and help.

“No.. stop… I don’t need-”

“Shh, shhh.. hey.”

I slowly looked up at him to find his full attention on me. He wasn’t upset, or irritated, or anything. I could hardly read him at all for that matter. He looked to me then down to his tricorder, the tip of his thumb grazing the edge.

Finally, he spoke to me, “Let’s get you off this floor, hm? Come here.”

McCoy held out a hand and while my mind said no, everything else said otherwise. I took his hand along with his forearm, using him as a support to stand up. My legs wobbled but he steadied me with ease. Soft encouragements flowed from his lips as he guided me to the nearest seattle. 

“Sweetheart, what's the matter?”

I remained silent for a moment, thinking of what I should really say to him. 

‘Should I tell him the truth? 

No. Absolutely not. 

But he would know that I’m hiding something.’

So I spoke:

“My mind went haywire. Rather than being reasonable, I allowed my thoughts to completely take over. It felt like my skull was crushing in on itself. I was an idiot, Doctor, I know I was, and I’m sorry you had to see me like this.”

The older man furrowed his eyebrows for a moment then relaxed. It seemed like he was thinking to himself for a moment. Not a second later, however, he responded to me in a reassuring yet firm tone, “You don’t ever apologize for something like that, do you understand me?”

“I know, but-”

He waved his hand before placing it over mine, now fully turned on the seattle to face me, “No. Miss Valentine, you should never have to apologize for what happened because it wasn’t your fault. These things happen and that's okay. It just means now that you have a better clarity for when it happens again.”

“That’s the worst part-it will happen again, and sometimes it feels worse than dying.”

“Well.. once it does, know you don't have to face it alone. I’m here for you, no matter what.”

I could feel myself about to cry again, but this time, I didn’t. Instead, I wiped my face dry and met him with a smile. For a moment, we sat in a comfortable silence but after a minute or two, he gently placed his hands over my wrists. I glanced down then back up at him, “Doctor? What’s the matter?”

“It’s midnight.”

“Midnight? Oh, you mean..” I looked to the nearest clock then chucked softly, “Valentine’s Day.”

“That’s right.. you know, I’m not going to be very busy once I’m on my breaks later this afternoon. Would you like to accompany me? Just the two of us.”

“I’d like that.”