It’s been awhile, right?, but i will cut straight to the case..
GRIEF HAS BEEN KICKING MY ASS. i do not mean it lightly either. it’s a strange feeling, you know?, because even if it isn't the first time, it still hurts just as Bad as the Last.
Ever since putting down my pup, i have felt a strange, hollow pit in my chest where some days, it would not just go away. i would try and fill it, and in any way that i could to distract myself. i didn’t want to feel a thing. and this wasn’t unfamiliar to me as i’ve lost a lot of family in the last ten years or so. My grandparents due to dementia, both of my uncles, one from liver/total organ failure and the other cancer, my cousin murdered by her piece of shit ex. When you are so used to death, the only thing you know how to cope is avoidance.
i would avoid eating, personal hygiene, my interests, and support from my friends and family. it’s not that i wanted to let go of those things, but to me, letting go of what made me a person and gave me autonomy was what gave me control. None of us can avoid death, and i knew that by now, but hurting myself was what gave me a new sense of autonomy that i never knew i could ever have.
at some point, a switch in my brain went off. Why was i doing this to myself? Why can’t i chose to live when those who’ve passed would want me to? So that’s exactly what i did.. i started to live, but to live for myself. a little after a month since my pup had passed, i started taking my medicine regularly again. Not every other day, not once in a blue moon, but EVER .. SINGLE .. NIGHT. i also started finding love in my hobbies again, as well as showing up for others. Not in a, ‘ i want to do this so something comes back my way in return ‘ , but in a way that i wished others would’ve done for me. i also cut off those who were not there for me, made some new friends, and what followed was rejuvenation.
Eventually what i realized was that i needed to be doing good for myself because..
Nobody was coming to save me.
if i am not well nor content, then what is the point? What followed was my spark, my love for little things, all of that shit, and something that really helped me get myself back on track was being firm with myself. Not hard or degrading, just firm. if i’m having an intrusive or doubtful thought, i’ll tell myself, “Whatever man. if that actually happened, so what? Get over it.” i’ll repeat that a couple of times until i’m grounded back to earth. Of course, that just works for me, any other technique could work wonders for someone else that doesnt do jack for me.
We’re all so different yet similar at the same time, and i think that’s beautiful. Just know that you are never ever alone, even if its just you. you and you alone can have the strength to be an unstoppable force! you just have to have the CONVICTION first. .. ...
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